Forward

Hey,

Don't pull yourself down. I know it's hard to bare, difficult as such but somehow it's not the end of the world.
It's a cold, foggy and dark winter day as I am walking down the streets. The world seems even more grey than it did the last couple of weeks. The peoples' faces lack expressions as they walk silently and hasty pass me. I can't smile no more. Not at them.
I am not sad. I am not depressed. I am empty. That's all. Finally the period of living a slob's live comes to an end. It's time to move on. And I am afraid. Though I don't know of what.
The drugs don't work. I can feel that now. Clearly. Yesterday was an other hard night. Plenty of booze running down my throat. We don't need answers when we raise our glases to the illusion of a big night out. More often we even forget to ask the right questions.
I can't tell what or wo I despise more. The world or me? I keep on walking through the streets of this forgein city. My steps are counted by the bumping headache of mine. Why am I so down? I am young. I am having fun.
The world is in racks but this little idiotique life and its shitty little problems are fucking around with us.
It's getting darker. The night lies gently over the town. Without a sound the grey turns into black while I am looking for shelter in a neat coffee bar. I need to rest. I have to think clearly about me and all the things around.
How I wished you were right now! Giving me shelter from my destroying thoughts.
Anyways, it's a starless night as we are heading to the next bar. Have another drink. Just pretend it's lifting you up. It doesn't matter now that you are going to be down in the morning. Just because tomorrow will contain the same grey people and towns. Not just for you. But for everybody.

And please, keep smiling.

Regrets

Hey X,

It was just a glimpse. A short look, unconciously, not intended at all. Just a glimpse.
Once a glimpse was all I needed.
There you sat. And there I was standing. Seperated by a window. And a very long period of time. But I knew instantly that it was you. Who else? Who else could give the shivers in such short amount of time? Well, it is only you. Still!
I don't think that you saw me. If you did it wouldn't change a thing.
We are through. You decided we would be. That was something I didn't want and I found hard to accept. But I did. Finally.
Time has passed. I moved on. Dealing with other problems, living without thinking of you all the time. The pain of the definate decision has gone. Hence such little events like seeing you, yeah, they make me restless.
All I wanted was a explaination. Nothing else. Reasons which make sense if thought through properly. You couldn't give me any.
And so it leaves me with one question. WHY?
Why do you find it hard to talk to me? Why do you think I am not ready for a meeting? Why is the past preventing us from dealing with each other normally?
I honestly don't know. I haven't got a single idea.
However, only you know the answer. Tell it to me! I don't care if it is hurting, hard to believe or incredibly stupid. It is even more ridiculious to pretend there is none.
Once a glimpse was all I needed. Maybe you hold the solution in your heart. Go let it out!
All it'd take would be a glimpse. Of certainty!
There are so many windows left to look through, but I'd like to stop searching for you.
Cheers.

Continuation

Hey,

It is hard to understand what you are talking about. Yes, I know what you mean by saying that you are not quite sure about us. Well, neither am I. But how could we possibly be? Sure.
Certainty is something one never gets in a relationship. Why? Because one has to rely on his partner. How do we do that? By simply trusting them.
So, you doubt that I was for real yesterday. I guess you are right. I can't tell you the truth because I don't know what it is myself. But apperantly you strive for answers.
Maybe that is my problem. I can't give you any answers which would satisfy you. Nor me. You think I am cute and funny but way to sincere. Guess what, that is me. 100% of me. This is the way I am and not the funny clown I used to be when we first met. By that time I was not assure of myself. Now I have found my inner peace and I tend not to change just to attract other people who wouldn't be worth knowing.
By now, I can't change my ways for you. Simply because I don't want to.
Don't get me wrong. I like you. I think you are smart, funny and also tempatively beautiful. You are a very indivudal, strong and open-minded person. It's fun to hang around with you.
But.But?But! Yes, there is always going to be this shitty little word.
I have made a decision in the recent past. I gave up something very good because I couldn't see how things would turn out in the future. The fireworks in me were all gone. And don't you think there should be at least sparks of passion flying around when you meet somebody new who you like to spend a reasonable amount of time with?
Time can turn a crush into love and a relationship into a long-term commitment. But ( and here we go again) it can't substitute a missing feeling.
I miss that feeling when I look at you. I see something else. Or nothing at all. I am not sure.
It was a mistake to let time try to fix that problem which only existed in me.
Now we have gone too far. And I am going to let you down.
In my defense I told you that I would right from the start.
It's hard to imagine what will become out of this. At least something brutally honest. And you deserve to be treated honestly.
Let's look for the fireworks. You seem to know where you can find them!
Good luck.
Sorry.

Requested

Dear Australia,
It is not about missing interest after all. I also enjoyed the times we spent together without a doubt. But as you have mentioned, I am a traveler who hasn't got the time to start something serious here. My feeling tells me that this is what you would deserve. And I simply can't provide. You need someone more comitted than me who is able to be there for you no matter what.
There are too many unsolved issues in me. I thought I had copied better with them but I failed. Hence, they keep me from letting my heart open for someone new.
I have to retreat now because I know that I can't give you the same of me as you would be ready to do. I would have liked to tell you that personally but it is kind of hard from Austria.
I am sorry for making you feel hurt, that was never my intention, but at the same time it reassures me that we are not on the same page emotionally.
Memories remain, meetings could be arranged, but I am a traveler unsure where to go in life.
Thanks for sharing precious moments with me,
and hopefully you can understand,

thank you.